Dearest J,
by watching every sunset
Summary: Honestly? Killed offscreen? Uncool. Some of our beloved characters owl our favorite author with a few issues about their lives and deaths. Because really, who wants to be a spare?
1. Much love, Tonks

Disclaimer: If I owned any of this, this whole chapter would be completely irrelevant. In fact, Tonks would have been introduced a lot earlier and much more of a role in the films and books and stuff... Ditto Bella, Bill, Charlie...

A/N: I'm pretty sure I've seen something like this before but its kind my own take on things... It's basically a series of letters characters would write to their beloved author if they were you know... Real.

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**Dear Jo (yeah, I'm calling you that now),**

Let's just cut to the chase, shall we?

I'm pretty sure you had something against me from the first moment I was an idea in your brain. I mean honestly, _Nymphadora_? _Really_? What am I, a tree elf?

I am owling you (from beyond the grave... Scared yet?) To address such issues.

So it all started with the _Merlin awful _name. And, when you first introduced me, well it was all fine. Of course, from then on, as we both know, it went down the loo...

Firstly you kill off my cousin (one of, if not the only person in my family that would not have liked to slowly murder me with a blunt object) and set my (more than slightly) psychotic Aunt on me. As if that wasn't bad enough, you throw me into some kind of forbidden love thing with a werewolf, making me completely and utterly depressed and (even I'll say it) rather boring for a whole book. So yeah, then it goes well. We get married and it's all happy and I think you might cut me some slack.

Suddenly, I'm almost dead (again), you kill off one of the only guys that I actually had a listed friendship with and then I'm pregnant and alone. Of course, he did come back but seriously, convinced by a _seventeen year old_? Way to make a girl feel loved.

As if that wasn't bad enough, you go and kill my Dad. Yeah, thanks for that.

So, it's all lovely and we're together again and we have a son and we're a family and its all flowers and sparkles and happy endings... Right?

Apparently not.

Just as it starts going well, you kill us. _And I don't even get a death scene! Seriously, what's up with that? You gave __Dobby __a death scene. You gave __Hedwig __the bloody __owl __a death scene._

So here I am, owling you from Merlin-knows-where to ask you this question:

Why do you hate me?

Am I really that bad?

**Much love,**

**Tonks, Dora, Lupin, any other nickname you feel like concocting for me.**

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A/N: I'm pretty sure J.K didn't hate Tonks. She's just a little pissed she didn't get a death scene :3.


	2. Yours Sincerely,Cedric The Spare Diggory

Disclaimer: Ownage? Pfft, I wish!

A/N: Thankyou for the reviews and alerts and all! You guys make my day!

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**Dear J.K,**

Yes, it's me. I've managed to FIND your address.

I'm sure when you killed me you did not know how much effect on the world of literature this would have. I know it was a gripping, thrilling plot point- I get that.

But you honestly have no idea how much you have _ruined _me by doing this.

You killed me (not to mention insulting me- I mean 'kill the spare?' That's horrible!) And now I've come back as a vampire. A _sparkly vampire_. Seriously, what vampire _sparkles_? And who the _hell _is Bella? What happened to Cho?

I hope you understand that this is your entire fault. This is my own personal hell.

...I don't like sparkling. It is, quite frankly, rather embarrassing.

**Yours sincerely,**

**Cedric 'The Spare' Diggory**


	3. Lots of Love, Padfoot the Great

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, then Bellatrix and Mrs Lovett would've had a crossover and been like "WHAT THE HELL?"

...Yeah, that one didn't even make sense...

A/N: Thankyou all! I know I said this before but you **siriusly **made my day when I checked my emails at school and was all "BAM! EMAILS FROM FANFICTION." I will ask this though: If you did happen to favourite/alert this story would you mind dropping a review if you didn't already? It's not an ego thing; honestly, I just want to know the good/bad points so I can improve my writing. Third update in two days? Since this is humour and pretty simple, it's easy to update :D.

Shameful advertisement: If you are enjoying this ficlet of unlinked pieces, I have another, more serious drabble fic named Beneath It All- it's there, if you feel like it..

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**JK,**

A curtain? _Really_?

Sirius the awesome-hot-amazingly sexy- best guy in the whole entire universe Black got killed by _drapery_?

Uncool.

Prongs- killed by Voldemort _himself _in protection of his son.

Wormtail- killed by his own silver hand in an actually selfless deed.

Moony- killed by Dolohov in a fierce, epic battle that will be remembered forever.

Padfoot- ...Killed by drapery.

Even my own baby _cousin_ was killed in a better way than me (and the fact that she didn't even die single is awful- but we'll discuss that later) She's having too much fun lording that over me. Because she was killed by the oh-so-evil bitch Bella and I was killed by _drapery_.

Another small issue- _why the hell am I the only Marauder to die single?_

(Well, apart from Wormtail. But then again, look at him. He was never going to get laid, was he?)

On second thought why am I the _member of my family_ to die single?

(Concerning Regulus, see above)

I mean yes, James and Lily utterly perfect and all but honestly, with the bout of celibacy Moony had been having for the past twenty years, I thought I might not be the only one. Then BAM! You put him with my cousin (although, I _did _have my suspicions all along... But nobody _ever _listens to Padfoot...) and kill two birds with one stone.

If I'm honest, I did have a theory that when Tonks kicked the bucket she'd end up finding the nearest straight male and dragging him with her simply so she could look me in the eye and say "Damn, sucks to be you." (which she does on a daily basis, I'll have you know) but you managed to marry her off anyway.

_EVEN BELLATRIX THE PSYCO DIED WITH A HUSBAND._

_I'M SIRIUS FREAKIN' BLACK!_

Why? Why do you do this to me?

I die single, alone, old and killed by drapery.

_Drapery._

SORT IT OUT.

**Lots of love,**

**Padfoot the Great.**


	4. Yours Sincerely, Dolores Jane Umbridge

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, it would have been absolutely necessary for Tonks to have pink hair in the films. Yeah, 'nuff said.

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**Dear Ms J. Rowling or to whomever represents her,**

Did you get my text? Because you didn't text me back.

Because of this I am having to use this rather... _primitive _mode of communication with you.

I am writing to inform you of an issue I have with your writing and overall portrayal of me. In the books entitled 'Harry Potter' I am portrayed as nothing more than a _joke _to many people. I have, in fact, become one of the most hated characters in the entire series.

I feel this is unjust. It is true that all half-breeds should be gone and order is a necessity- this does mean that any means possible should be used to achieve order.

I feel as though I have been treated wrongly by the readers of this *hem-hem* _series_, if you wish to call it that (although I myself would call it a mere jumble of poorly written words and un-solid plotlines, but call it what you will) and I do believe that I am in fact one of the most justifiable, honourable and mainly _well-spoken_ characters of your series.

Please could you inform your readers of this.

I hope to see changes beginning within two weeks.

**Yours sincerely,**

**Dolores Jane Umbridge,**

**Ex- Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic.**

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A/N: Sorry about the AVPS reference but I just had to! If you have any requests for characters, leave them in a review and I'll see to them(:


	5. Beware! The Dark Lord's greatest

Disclaimer: If owned Harry Potter then Narcissa would've ditched Lucius a hell of a long time ago. And then Lucius would've gone crazy like Bella!

A/N: Woah! Two updates in one day! Thankyou so much everyone who has reviewed/favourited/alerted this, you've made my day! So I'm taking into account all of your suggestions and one of them that I got was from Lily Ginevra Hermione Potter who suggested Bellatrix, which I had an idea for almost instantly. So here's one of my personal favourite characters; Bellatrix Lestrange. And she ain't happy...

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**Writer,**

_Just __what __do you think you are doing, you stupid, inferior muggle?_

I spent _years _getting the Dark Lord's approval and for _what_? To be killed by a piece of _Blood Traitor scum?_

Out of _all _the people you could have had kill me- out of _all _the ways to die you have me killed against the pathetic _MOLLY WEASLEY?_

Honestly, I, as one of the darkest, most sadistic, craziest, _most loyal _woman in the History of literature am _offended!_

Honestly, if I wasn't dead I'd have crucio'd your stupid muggle arse into insanity. _AND LAUGHED._

I'm not even going to _mention _the fact that my stupid _blood-traitor _sister and that pathetic little _half-breed _lived and I, Bellatrix Lestrange, The Dark Lord's most _valuable, reliable, trustworthy _servant was killed.

I am not happy about this.

I suggest that you sleep with eyes open for the next five years.

**BEWARE.**

**You have been warned!**

**The Dark Lord's most loyal follower...**

**A.K.A Bella Lestrange.**

**P.S**

_**I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK!**_

_**I KILLED NYMPHADORA TONKS!**_

Toujours Pur, bitches.


	6. Sending Love, Remus John 'Moony' Lupin

Disclaimer: If I owned yadayada Tonks'd be alive yadayda Remus wouldn't have been a douchebag yadayada TonksCharlie backstory yadayda more Regulus yadayda more Bellatrix yadayada Mad-Eye and Remus living yadayda blahblah more Bill blahblahblah Draco would've ended up being forced to live with his cousins blablah blady blah...

A/N: REJOICE! THE ERROR SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN FIXED. If any of you are mothers... Happy (late) Mothers Day! I'm thinking Fred, George or Regulus next... But a couple of people have requested him and just because he's our favourite, chocolate-addicted, secret-mastermind of a werewolf... Here's R-R-R-Remus!

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**Dearest J,**

Hello, how are you? I sincerely hope the weather has been good down there.

Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Firstly, I am sorry that I was not able to find out about these letters sooner. I had my suspicions that something was going on; although, who _wouldn't _be suspicious with James, Sirius, Dora and Fred running around giggling like a group of sugar-crazed children, mm?

Yes, you did read that right. In an attempt to redeem ourselves I _did _suggest to Padfoot and Prongs that now that we are- unfortunately –deceased we should possibly, perhaps stop acting like silly teenagers and actually keep track of our loved ones on Earth. Of course, typically their style I turn my back for half a second and what do you know- they've taken aboard my own wife and one of my ex-students and are walking around a little too merrily. All hell has broken loose. And a lot of it seems to be directed towards Severus. At what point did you ever think it would be a good idea to put the four minds together? Thanks to the gaps in your writing, the dear readers did not happen to see the incident at Grimmauld Place involving Sirius, The Twins, Dora, four broomsticks, four bats, two rogue bludgers, the garden spade, three large bars of Honeydukes, a suit of armour, the tin shed roof, one very angry picture of Walburga Black and at least five handfuls of fireworks. I do not wish to repeat this incident. Molly was not impressed to say the least.

But anyway, there a few things I would like to discuss.

1) You seem to have 'forgotten' about me in the Goblet of Fire.

2) Dear readers, you do not know the full story about me and my wife, nor shall you, probably, ever. I do love her very much but considering that I was, once again, 'forgotten' about during the Half-Blood Prince you shall probably never see this full story.

3) During the last two books you have made me seem like a... As Sirius would say: a douchebag. Honestly, if I was in the books for more than two seconds at a time we might _actually _be able to resolve these issues.

4) That brown suit you allowed me to wear in the Muggle films adaptations is clearly awful.

5) Thankyou so _very _much for making my son an orphan. You could have _at least _kept one of us alive. I must say, after seven books, you would think that this whole 'war orphan' storyline was getting a little tedious.

6) I _do _love my son. Very very much. I _do not _appreciate you making me look like an uncaring 'douchebag'.

Of course, being the brains behind the Marauders (and some of their best plans, I must say) I cottoned onto your little 'Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs' death-order shortly after Sirius had been killed (by drapery, I might add)

Considering this, I managed to type out a few rather good pieces of 'secret' fiction that was 'never included in the books', complete into one handy book. This does, of course, include a few 'extra special' chapters and alternate endings including some of fans most favourite pairings... HarryHermione, HarryDraco and DracoHermione for instance. Now, _I _know that these are fake and _you _know that these are fake... But a lot of angry shippers do not. I did, of course, sign your name at the end of each. Considering the enchantments I put on the letters, I should say that these will reach publishers within... Oh, I don't know, a few hours? I would barricade your door, if I were you- the shippers will be looking to draw blood after this.

But then again, all is fair in love and war, right?

Who looks stupid now? _YOU DO!_

**Sending love,**

**Remus John 'Moony' Lupin.**


	7. Smell You Later, Gred

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, this wonderful series does not belong to me.

A/N: Because a lot of you have been asking for him, this one's Fred.

Also, I have been thinking of doing a spin-off type fic to this one, with J.K's responses to her characters letters. I have been playing with the title "Dear Creations, Sincerely Creator". What do you guys think?

Also, if any of you have read 'Wotcher, Harry' I was considering making another collection with other awkward moments and misunderstandings such as the one there. What would you guys say to that?

I'm going to stop rambling now. Enjoy!

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**Jo, Jo, Jo,**

It's me; Fred. You know, the dead Weasley?

It isn't my death I'm here to complain about, actually. Okay, so I _was_ going to complain about my death, but when I remembered that I actually _got _a death scene and I _wasn't _killed by a curtain then I realised that I actually did pretty well. I mean, hey, explosions are cool, am I right?

No, no, no, it is my dearest brother Forge I am here concerning.

I know he would never, ever do something to hurt me. Ever. _SO WHY THE HELL DID YOU PAIR HIM OFF WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?_

Honestly, Jo, mate, you got some problems you need to sort out.

I expect a change quite soon or you might just find your house filled with a large number of Dungbombs.

Yes, we do have a Zonko's up here.

**Smell you later,**

**Gred.**

P.S

Please can you get Charlie a girlfriend? I'm sick of people asking me if he's gay, Sirius finds it hilarious as he seems to think it 'runs in the family, Lily keeps trying to give me 'acceptance counselling' for when he gets up here and Tonks is getting right teased (mostly by me, I'll admit) since everyone now thinks that the guy she was once shagging is gay.

_(it is quite funny though)_


	8. Yours Sincerely, The Half Blood Prince

Disclaimer: No.

A/N: Had this idea for quite a while now.

Don't forget to check out the spin-off/side fic to this one "Dear Creations, Sincerely Creator" which had J.K's responses to her characters(:.

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**Dear Joanne,**

Why? Why do you _insist _on doing this to me?

You managed to make me into a 'good' person in the end. You got me into heaven.

I'm sorry, did I say _heaven_? This is my own personal hell.

Firstly, there are three people that mercilessly bullied me at Hogwarts. You might think they had matured slightly since then, but apparently not. I will admit, Lupin was on his way there for the first, oh I don't know, _seventy seconds _before his wife arrived. Black and Potter have not changed in the slightest.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the fact that my darling Lily is married to that inarticulate bumble is thrown in my face daily. Oh, how tormented the soul must be here.

You know, as soon as I started to teach at Hogwarts, I thought I begin to enjoy the castle for what it was. I thought there might be a few half-decent people. I thought, with him being locked in Azkaban, I had escaped him once and for all. I had, in fact, escaped him and I thought this was bliss...

Until I taught my first fifth-year potions class. Can you guess, Joanne, who was in this class?

That's right. Black's cousin. Black's cousin who is, in fact, quite alike him in personality.

Oh yes. I must say, I have never seen so many broken cauldrons in all my days.

The fact that you _married her to Lupin _and _didn't even give me a person of affection_ is, I feel, downright rude. Two people that _ruined my life _and you give them _happiness_ _together_?

Just like Potter, it seems, who you _married off to the one woman I ever loved_. And Black who you _let out of Azkaban early_.

Do you really think these people _deserve _happiness?

Of course, after all of Black's relatives had _finally _left the school (bar Malfoy, of course, who seemed to take on the... _finer _traits of his family) you gave me a new challenge.

Two third-year students by the name of Weasley.

By the time their brother and Black's cousin (or, as I'd like to say, their _influences_) had left, they had grown to be at least ten times worse.

And now one of them is here. With me. Just as I had gotten rid of them. He torments me daily. If I were not already dead, I would have committed suicide by now.

Dumbledore keeps trying to 'cheer me up' by making me dance in a conga line. I do not want to dance in a conga line. I want to smash my head against a wall.

I thought I was one of your favourite, most complex, layered characters?

Please, do me a favour. If not allowing me to live, at least make me evil again. Please. I beg of you, get rid of the Prince's Tale. I would rather go to hell and endure more of The Dark Lord's bingo nights or be forced to taste Bellatrix's secret soup, which always tastes faintly of people, than stay here.

Black is, at this moment in time, attempting to attach Dungbombs to my head (yes, we do have those here).

Please.

Get.

Me.

Out.

Of.

Here.

**Yours Sincerely,**

**The Half-Blood Prince.**


	9. From, Harry Freakin' Potter

**Dear Joanne,**

_Stop having people steal my thunder!_

C'mon, _I'm_ supposed to be the sweet little orphan boy! Who gives two about Teddy Lupin?

You're horrible. You do realise now all the fans are all like "_Oh my gawd, Teddy Lupin we love you, you're so sweet and orphaned! We hate Harry Potter now because he's a grown man. And he's __fugly__."_

I wouldn't have minded if you had at least kept, like, _one_ of them alive but c'mon, that's just copying me!

Plus, you give him special powers. I WANT SPECIAL POWERS.

You give him the fanbase of the tortured orphan boy without all of the hardship that I got? He's got like three families. I had none. Do you know how many fanfictions are out there with 'Teddy Lupin the amazing seeker' or 'Teddy Lupin and the Triwizard Tournament' or 'Teddy Lupin and the prophecy'?

Uncool man.

I'm supposed to be the boy who lived who's living off the glory of a stupid children's story that I had nothing to do with... Now he's the boy who morphed who's living off the glory of a stupid _**love**_ story that he had nothing to do with!

HARRY FREAKIN' POTTER SOUNDS BETTER THAN TEDDY FREAKIN' LUPIN.

Well, that's _one_ issue out of the way.

Here's another: Albus. Severus.

_**WHY?**_

Okay, the Albus I can understand but _Severus_?

Yes, he saved my life but he _bullied_ me mercilessly for seven years! I thought saving my life was payment for that! So maybe I'd name like a _dog_ or and _owl_ after him but a _child_? No way.

Wait...

I've only ever had _two_ girlfriends?

If you even _count_ Cho?

I'm Harry Potter! You'd think I'd at least be able to snog some of the DA girls or, better, the _Order of the Phoenix_ girls, wouldn't you? Chicks dig the whole tortured look. Just look at Malfoy.

WHY IS MALFOY SO LOVED AND DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS?

I wanna be loved and drop-dead gorgeous... I'm just short.

You're a mean, mean woman Jo and you play a cold-hearted game.

Fix it.

I'm Harry James Potter. Awesome is my middle name. You should do what I say.

**From, **

**Harry Freakin' Potter.**

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A/N: A lot of you were requesting Dobby, and I will do him, I just have to figure out HOW. What would he complain about?

Dear Creation, Sincerely Creator is up now but it only has one chapter so far. I'm having more trouble with Cedric... I've got ideas for Remus, Sirius, Bella, Umbridge ect I just need Cedric...

Harry's OOC on purpose, by the way. So, thanks for reading and for all the reviews and if you favourite or alert would you be kind and leave a review too?


	10. and now I guess he's on crack

**Dear Jo,**

Let me tell you something about Harry Potter. He was my Godfather in Deathly Hallows. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in the end of the book, these people, Dolohov and Bellatrix, who was totally gorgeous but then she was my Aunt, killed my parents and Harry was like, weirdly jealous of me. Like, if I would stay at my Nan's instead of his, he'd be like, "Why didn't you floo me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-kids pool party, I was like, "Harry, I can't invite you, because I think you're a paedophile." I mean I couldn't have a paedophile at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? He was a PEDO. So then his wife called my Nan and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of, like, the books because no one would talk to him, and he came back nineteen years later for the epilogue, he had one kid named after my dead cousin and one called Albus _Severus_ and he was totally weird, and now I guess he on crack.

THAT GUY IS THE NASTIEST SKANK BITCH I HAVE EVER MET. DO NOT TRUST HIM. HE IS A FUGLY SLUT.

**Love,**

**Teddy.**

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I promise I'll do a *serious* Teddy one... I just felt the need. I'm not usually one for teen girl comedies but Mean Girls is a classic...

I usually review reply but I wrote this and the last one together, uploaded the Harry one, went out and then uploaded this one later so I thought there was no point in review replying. And yes, I WAS basing Harry more on his AVPM character than the book one.

Thanks for the Dobby ideas! He'll be next :).


	11. Sending Socks, Dobby A Free Elf

**JOANNE ROWLING!**

It is a pleasure, miss, a pleasure to meet the creator of HARRY POTTER!

Dobby does not mean to complain, miss, oh no, but you see Dobby found an address and wanted miss to know what Dobby's opinion was.

Dobby likes the fact that he got to save his friend HARRY POTTER'S life, oh yes he does, in fact Dobby is honoured miss but Dobby does not feel that Dobby should have been killed at that moment.

Dobby is upset, miss, that Miss Bellatrix killed Dobby. Dobby did not mean to kill- only to maim or seriously injure. Dobby does not understand why Miss Bellatrix did not understand this.

Dobby just thinks that Dobby should have been able to partake in the Battle of Hogwarts alongside HARRY POTTER, miss. Kreacher took part and Kreacher is horrible to HARRY POTTER and his friends.

Dobby is simply upset that he did not get to fight alongside HARRY POTTER and his friends.

Dobby would also like to inform Joanne about his new sock company. Dobby has been asking his new friends in the cloudy place to help Dobby make socks and they sometimes help Dobby!

Dobby hopes that you get Dobby's letter. Dobby really would like to fight once more beside HARRY POTTER.

**Sending socks, **

**Dobby, A Free Elf.**

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A/N: We've reached 101! HUZZAH!

Okay, so I totally have legit reasons for not posting this. Exams, re-reading the Potter series, coursework, film-watching and that whole shite with the world ending and such. Plus All Time Low and Molotov Jukebox released their new album/EP's this month, which totally stopped me posting this. NAWWWM.

I have, at the same time as this, posted the chapter of the spin-off Dear Creation Sincerely Creator, it's Ced's chapter so check that out if y'laaaike.

The only question now is, who should write to J.K next? 'Cause I'm not sure.

Happy summer guys!


	12. You Have Been Warned, The Darkest Lord

**Muggle,**

_Do you know the meaning of 'immortal Dark Lord'?_

Obviously you do not.

It means that _I WIN._

_NOT. HARRY. POTTER._

_I'M BLOODY IMMORTAL._

_IT MEANS I CAN'T DIE._

Do you not remember that one line, oh, how did it go... oh, yes "Only I can live forever"?

Emphasis on the '_live forever' _part.

Then, of course, there's the fact that I spent _over fifty years_ creating horcruxes, killing bitches and smashing shit up so that I could _live forever_.

I stole, burned and murdered so I could _live forever._

_I EVEN BOUGHT A FUCKING SNAKE, OKAY? I HATE SNAKES. I HATE ANIMALS AND DOGS AND JUST EVERYTHING. I'M VOLDEMORT, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? IT'S NOT REALLY SUPRISING._

_DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE SNAKES OF THAT QUALITY ARE? THEY ARE A LOT, OKAY? AND WHAT DO I GET FOR IT? SOME FUCKING KID IN A BLOODY CARDIGAN SLICING IT'S HEAD OFF. A CARDIGAN? REALLY? A CHILD IN A CARDIGAN OF ALL THINGS KILLED MY LAST HORCRUX?_

_DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY RALLYS I HAD TO PULL OFF TO RECRUIT DEATH EATERS? IT WAS A LOT, OKAY? I HATE PEOPLE AND I HAD TO TALK TO THEM ALL AND EVERYTHING. THEY EVEN EXPECTED ME TO SOCIALISE._

_DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MANY BRIBES I HAD TO MAKE? MOST OF THEM WERE CAKE. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH CAKE I LOST._

_AND THEN I DIED. AFTER ALL OF THAT. I JUST DIED._

Also, do you realise that I am now a Halloween joke to children now?

"If you say 'Tom Riddle' three times into the mirror he'll appear"

Every Halloween I get stupid kids summoning me to these mirrors against my will.

As if that isn't bad enough I get summoned by that stupid little colour changing child every year and he just looks at me like "Hey, you killed my parents. Fuck you"

And I'm all "_why can't you just leave me in hell?_"

Then there's Potter who does the exactly same just so he can laugh at me.

_I WAS THE DARKEST LORD OF ALL TIME._

_YOU HAVE MADE ME INTO A JOKE._

If you don't fix the ending so that I win I swear that random stuff will be floating around your house in the night, Paranormal Activity style.

And it will be me and Bellatrix.

_(and possibly Snape)_

And you will never sleep again.

**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

**The bestest, Darkest Lord.**

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A/N: Hey look it's an update from that girl who never updated so everybody forgot about her.

The only excuse I could think of included like flying to the moon or something. Mmhm.

In other news 'Dear Mum and Dad' is _still_ getting hella reviews and favourites, which confuses me as it was simply a oneshot but nonetheless, due to this I have been considering writing a oneshot/short multi-chap centred around that... universe? Whatever. Basically, centred around Teddy and his family. I'm still not sure though so, if you happen to have read that oneshot, I would appreciate an opinion on whether I should do that or not. I'm pretty sure that didn't make sense but I'm bloody knackered so ohwell.

Also, I just realised that it's actually been _six months_ and the only things I've posted were like two small chapters. Sorry!

(Yes, Voldemort is out of character. He's meant to be. Sassy!Voldemort)


	13. Constant Vigilance! 'Anthony Meady'

**Joanne,**

Do the words 'constant vigilance' mean nothing to you?

As a man that has been constantly vigilant all of his life I can say that the way I died was predictable to say the least. Pairing me up with that rat Dung? Anyone with at least one eye open could have seen it from a mile away.

For an auror as great as myself I can say that I am _disappointed _with the scene I got. _Nobody_ remembered me bar a shot of whisky. After that everything was parties and fancy get togethers.

This leads me onto a second point.

_WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND HOSTS A WEDDING AND A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHILST VOLDEMORT IS ROAMING AROUND._

_THE LEAST YOU COULD HAVE DONE WAS DISGUISED EVERY SINGLE GUEST AS HARRY POTTER SO HE STOOD A CHANCE, LASS!_

The amount of pure _stupidity_ that was written into that book, I tell you. If I had been kept alive then none of the Order would have died, trust me. Black himself was killed out of pure stupidity, something that, given the chance, I could probably have got out of him.

YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID? TAKE ME FROM THE ORDER AND THEY ALL TURN INTO BLUMBERING IDIOTS, RUNNING INTO FIGHTS AND THROWING THEMSELVES AROUND.

IF I HAD BEEN THERE TO TELL THEM WHAT WAS WHAT I CAN _ASSURE_ YOU THAT NOBODY WOULD HAVE DIED.

Even now, sitting on this cloud in heaven, I am writing this under a fake name to ensure my complete and utter safety, something that the others have _clearly_ not done.

AM I THE ONLY PERSON AROUND HERE THAT ISN'T A COMPLETE FOOL?

Sort yourself out, lass!

**Constant vigilance!**

**'Anthony Meady'**

* * *

A/N: As I am writing this it will be Christmas in exactly one hour and twenty six minuets.

Consider this a gift! Two updates in a day.

('cause, y'know, I posted something earlier that if you *cough* want to you can always go an look at? *cough)

So, Merry Christmas all!

And if you don't celebrate then Happy Holidays!

I hope you all have a lovely one and an absolutely smashing New Year!


	14. X's and O's, Neville BAMF Longbottom

**Dear J,**

I could've done it in three.

**X's and O's,**

**Neville BAMF Longbottom.**

* * *

omg so this one time two days ago Tom Wilson - the bassist from Molotov Jukebox - tweeted me and I died okay. Also Tumblr, on my profile, kind of fun yeah okay you're probably ignoring this bye.


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